First, yes, I will address the fact that I'm throwing this up post-event. I have no excuse. It's been a shitty few weeks and I was too lazy to throw this post up. This is my absolute opinion and, no, I don't care if you doubt me.
2 months ago, when I first heard the term "Carmageddon", I instantly thought to the greatest columnist of all time: Mr. Jim Murray. See, Jim knew LA in ways that only true SoCal people know it. Most importantly, he was one of the very, very minute few who can actually explain that depth of understanding.
For this I refer to his column from February 2nd, 1993, "Image Problem is Everything". This is in particular one very dear to me because it was his article published about the Superbowl I had just attended at the Rose Bowl on my 12th birthday (Michael Jackson was the halftime). Anyway, to wit:
"The night before the game, the powers that be were panicky. They were afraid it might rain on their Super Bowl.
"Hah!
"Why didn't they come to me? Never mind the weather bureau, isobars, occluded fronts and all that malarkey.
"I don't have to meteorology. I know L.A.
...
"When L.A. knows the world is going to be looking in on her, she gets out the eye shadow, lipstick, puts on her net stockings, her highest heels and shortest skirt, piles her hair up in a beehive, bats her eyes and adopts her most seductive pose.
...
"I remember when we had the Olympics in '84. A crew from British television came to my home. They began the interview with negatives. L.A. would be too hot, too smoggy, the traffic would be horrendous. And so on.
"I sighed.
"'Let me tell you something,' I said to them. 'L.A. will be gorgeous. Sunshine, palm trees, card tricks. The traffic will be nothing. We get 100,000 people at the coliseum lots of times. We get a million and a half in Pasadena every New Year's. We handle it. There won't even be any smog. That old strumpet L.A. will be at her chamber-of-commerce best.'
"She was. I think it was the only time in history, or since the invention of the motor car, there wasn't even a rush hour.
...
[Jim goes on to explain that this is why L.A. has become so overcrowded and recommends new sports broadcast guidelines for the City of Angels. The whole list is funny, but these are some gems:]
"2. Tickets will not be sold to anybody with a tan.
"5. NBC will be forbidden to photograph the magnificent backdrop of the San Gabriel mountains - unless they are on fire.
"7. The network will be barred from televising the Rose Parade, since we don't want to leave viewers with the impression we live in a place where you can grow roses in January. To discourage even attendance at the Rose Parade, we will lobby to have Saddam Hussein named grand marshal.
...
"These would help. So would real rain. But when L.A. knows the cameras are on, you can't even seed the clouds. There aren't any."
...and that's why I knew "Carmageddon" was bullshit before it even happened. Does it suck trying to navigate L.A. on an average Summer weekend? Of course. You've got 13 million overheating people trying to hit the beach. But to sell this one weekend as "The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse shall ride the streets of the valley, strewing the parts of gas guzzlers upon the unwashed masses" is just plain dumb.
What actually happened? Half of a bridge came down, people hung out at places around their neighborhoods (probably making new friends over wisecracks about the shutdown), and the project finished early with no reported issues. Once again, L.A. knew the cameras were on.
[I can't end this w/o a final note: Thanks Mom. In today's world of backstabbing, mindless, drivel-spewing columnists, Thank You for every morning before school laying out the L.A. Times Sports Section to read while having a bowl of cereal. You allowed Jim Murray become a standard worthy of both reverence and remembrance that I will carry forever.]
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