July 31st, 2010, Steven Gregory Burke becomes the first of the Burke clan to marry. This will probably be the last time I'm a Best Man. My goal: in 20 years I want to look back and view this as the peak of my groomsmanship. Let' see how I did...
Thursday, April 15th, 8am.
I am out the door on my way to...Long Beach. Long Beach? Oh yeah, Long Beach. Joining me for the drive out, the man, the jackass myth, the slapdick legend - Christopher "Spanky" Spangler. This was never on my bucket list, but when Spanky offered to ride out with me it instantly recorded a spot. Spanky is Steve's best bud from college and we had a great ride out swapping Redlands/UCSB stories, rocking out to Pearl Jam, and getting the weekend off to rollicking good start.
We hit Costco when we got to town and stocked up to fill the house. Did I say house? I meant mansion. 8 bedrooms, 6 bath, pool, hot tub, chipping green, volleyball court, pool table, on and on. Shortly after we got setup the next of the crew arrived and it was game on. Car bombs, cocktails, beer pong, and BBQ. A good chunk of the guys arrived fairly late b/c they had to work, so we didn't get enough momentum going to hit the town. My buddy Andrew who lives in Vegas with his wife and kid was able to come out. I hadn't seen him in nearly a year and we've been friends since 4th grade, so it was good he could come out.
Friday, April 16th, 11am
I'm driving to the other side of Vegas to return a keg shell I somehow got snookered into reimbursing the deposit for. Ugh. Got that handled and headed to Encore to pick up one of my bro's friends who didn't want to stay at the house. No answer to his phone or at the room. Meanwhile my buddy Matt Hessing is arriving at the house. It's noon, it's time to get home and get back to drinking.
We spent the afternoon drinking, Clarke cooked his famous tri-tip dinner, and we were feeling pretty good as the cabs rolled up. Tonight's destination: the Palms. The PBR Rodeo was in town, so the place was packed. The group kind of fractured, some to the bar, others to the tables. Ted and I ended up in the corner of a bar calling hosts at strip clubs. We got a deal at Sapphire - they'll pick us up and provide us with no cover and a table. D-U-N, Done.
With the club handled and our ride a 1/2 hour or so away, I lean in on a craps table. After a while people started slapping me on the shoulder saying the ride was there and it was time to go. Here's the thing, I had a feeling about this craps table. I wasn't up much, maybe $40 on a $100 buy-in, but I felt like it would be worth sticking around. After enduring a bunch of crap, I threw $100 into Clarke's hand and said "Get to club, get started, we're right behind you." 4 of the guys stayed behind with me.
Two rolls later the craps table IGNITES! We couldn't roll wrong, it was incredible. Between the 5 of us, we probably rolled 130 times. we were making hundreds and the group at the other end was making thousands. I had such a nice long roll - hitting hard ways and points like mad - that a guy in the other group tossed me a $100 chip at the end of the run. Yountchi was off the charts as well. At one point he pointed the 9, so a bunch of guys moved their bets to the 5. Yountchi rolls 4-1, 3-2, 4-1, 5-4. Winner, winner, winner, point-back winner!!! Holy shnikies! I don't even know how long we were there, but we felt the table cooling off and knew we had to get to the strip club. As we were coloring up I looked at the pit boss and asked "We got a lot of buzz going, can we get some help getting to our friends at the club?" He looked at me, thought for a moment and said, "Cash out and come back here." At the cage, I watched as the cashier just kept rolling hundreds out in front of me. I cashed out $600, which doesn't count at least another $150 I tipped out to the waitress that kept us nice and loaded. Unreal. all the guys cashed out a nice amount. I don;t know the exact count, but I think it was somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,700.
Back at the table, a host was waiting for us and led us out to a stretched H2 limo. We were drinking and laughing the entire way over. Once at Sapphire the bouncer sees us in line and reminds us that there's a $40 cover. "Check your book, we're supposed to be comp'ed through," I say. A moment later the bouncer comes back, "I apologize for the confusion Mr. Burke. Right this way, your table is ready for you and your party." Yeah, I'm important. I had to sign a sheet acknowledging our comp, so I paused to address the guys: "This money is all about Steve, we're blowing every dime in that room."
We entered the room, found the guys and it was game-on. I found Brian - my youngest bro, starving college student - slapped $100 in his hand and said, "go to town bro." I found Steve, slapped $200 in his hand and told him to enjoy the last of his bachelorhood. I sat down in the middle of the group, ordered a round of drinks and played director. Every time a girl came up and the guy she was talking too seemed to balk at getting a lap dance, I threw $20 at him and said stop being a pansy. A few of the girls caught into this and suddenly I'm getting free lap dances b/c they think they're going to get me back to the private room. One by one they gave up, save one. She claimed she went to college in SD (right). SDSU I ask? No, UCSD (uh-huh). Dance major? Hehehe. OK, yeah, you're a college-educated stripper. I swear she had a bet backstage. She came back to me 3-4 times and every time I denied her. The final time I saw her she was giving me another free dance when she said "I know you're ready to take me to a private room." "I should warn you I have indominable will," I responded. She turned around, leaned up to my ear and replied, "Good thing I'm a dominatrix," and proceeded to nearly take out a chuck of my earlobe. Hey-O! Kinky college educated stripper. Intriguing, but I'm still not paying you $150. sorry Jade...or Jasmine...or Candy...Lacy...whatever the heck your name was.
Saturday, 4/17, 7:00am
We come busting out of the club into the morning sunshine, every dime spent. Holy crap. The group starts to head all different directions. Hessing, Yountchi and I are craving breakfast. We head down the strip and eventually stumble upon a Fatburger. Bacon-egg-cheeseburger, stat! We were so gone at this point, each of us got our burger and we were instantly engrossed in our own worlds. Every now and then we'd look up, make eye contact, give a look of "Did that just EFFing happen?" and bust up laughing. Un-freakin-believable. We finally got back to the house around 9am and hit the sack. Vega baby!
Saturday, 4/17, 2pm
Back in action. Well, mostly. OK, we'll call it low-level functional. Mostly we spent the day lounging by the pool and finishing the volleyball tournament we'd started the day before b/c Steve requested that the trip be capped by a brothers dinner at the Hofbrauhaus Las Vegas.
I've been to the real Hof and I've been to I have to say, the one in Vegas is as close as I think a place could get. The decor was pretty much spot-on, the beer was good, the beermaids looked good, the band was a bit more rock than polka, but they had an accordion and a 40-foot horn (yes, 40 feet). I couldn't match the ambiance, but we're here to party for Steve so that wasn't as much of a concern.
We were getting settled in with the first round and some Bavarian pretzels when someone spotted the Jager girl and her tray of shots. Oh, and she's got a paddle. Oh, and I'm sitting at a table of my bro's degenerate frat brothers. Shit. The groom was getting paddled. That meant so must the best man. Son of a bitch! If I'm going down, I'm taking as many with me as possible. As soon as I took my lump I instantly grabbed Brian - your bros just got paddled, so are you. Then we made sure the rest of the groomsmen got theirs. Once done, a instant moratorium was set for the next 6 months. We're not having a repeat of this jackassery at the wedding.
2 shots, 4 Liters, and a plate of schnitzel later we were flying. We headed across the street to the Hard Rock for the night. Moderate success ensued. I went down on pai-gow, but got back up on blackjack and hit even at craps. I tried to get Yountchi in on the craps game to rekindle the previous night's magic, but it was not to be. You can't force these things. By 1am most of us were out of steam. A crew ventured off to try to track down a bachelorette party, but most of us were not in game shape for that (Epilogue: it didn't work out. Shocking).
The next day we were up and out. Holy crap what a weekend. Everyone agreed I need to quit my job and start a best man/bachelor party consulting service. Wait for the wedding gentlemen, you ain't seen nothing yet...8-)
